Curating Your Moai: The People We Do Life With

I’m currently reading The Blue Zones Solution by Dan Buettner, and I’ve been especially intrigued by his discussion of the Okinawan concept of moai (moh-eye). In Okinawa, a moai is a lifelong friendship group—often formed in childhood—that provides a network of social, emotional, physical, spiritual, and even financial support. These groups are one of the cultural practices Buettner highlights when exploring the remarkable longevity and well-being of people living in Okinawa.

The idea of a lifelong group of people who commit to doing life together feels especially meaningful in our increasingly digital world. We have more ways than ever to connect with people. We can follow hundreds—or even thousands—of people online. We can know where someone went on vacation, what they cooked for dinner, what their kids are doing, and what they bought this week. We may feel like we know their lives because we see them regularly on our screens.

But knowing about someone's life is not the same as sharing life with them.

There is something different about having people who know the behind-the-scenes version of your life. People who have seen you at your best and your worst. People who celebrate your victories, sit with you in hard seasons, challenge you when necessary, and show up when you need them. These are the relationships that move beyond connection and into true community.

Buettner also points out that we tend to adopt the behaviors and attitudes of the people we spend the most time with. Our relationships influence us, often in ways we don't even realize. Think about something as simple as eating habits. If you regularly share meals with someone who has certain habits around food, you are more likely to adopt some of those habits yourself.

If that is true of something as tangible as what we eat, how much more might it be true of the way we spend our time, our money, our energy, and our attention?

This got me thinking about simple living in a whole new way. We spend a lot of time talking about curating our physical surroundings. We curate our homes. We curate our wardrobes. We curate our calendars. We decide what stays, what goes, and what deserves our limited resources. But what about the people we surround ourselves with? Perhaps our relationships deserve some intentional thought as well.

A simple life requires us to question the default settings of our culture. Just because everyone is buying something doesn't mean we need it. Just because everyone is signing their kids up for another activity doesn't mean we should. Just because something is popular, convenient, or expected doesn't mean it belongs in our lives.

It is helpful to have people around us who will ask those questions too.

Not people who will tell us how to live, but people who are willing to pause with us and ask: Does this add value? Does this align with what we believe? Is this producing the kind of life we actually want? Or are we doing it because we feel like we should?

That is the kind of community that can help us live intentionally rather than simply follow the current. And just as I attempt to curate my wardrobe, my home, and my schedule, perhaps I also need to thoughtfully curate a moai that supports the life I am trying to build.

For me, that would include friends who don't pressure me to buy things I don't need or want. Friends who respect a “no” without needing an explanation. Friends who understand that I may not respond to a text immediately because I am protecting margin in my day. Friends who value their health, enjoy being active, and want to care well for the bodies God has given them. More than anything, I want friends who encourage me to live according to my values—and whom I can encourage to do the same.

Different Perspectives, Similar Direction

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should surround ourselves only with people who think exactly like we do. There is tremendous value in friendships with people who have different perspectives, approaches, experiences, and beliefs. We need people who challenge our thinking, broaden our understanding, and sometimes introduce us to ideas we would never have considered on our own.

But I do believe our innermost circle—the people we do the most life with—needs to be carefully curated. We need to surround ourselves most closely with people who are headed in a similar direction. The details may look different. One family’s version of simple living may look very different from another’s. One person may be further along in decluttering her home, while another may just be beginning. One may be learning to simplify her schedule, while another is working on spending less or being more intentional with her time.

But the big picture can still be similar.

We are seeking lives with less excess and more intention. Less distraction and more presence. Less “because everyone else is doing it” and more “does this actually align with what matters to me?” And we need one another along the way. We need friends with whom we can bounce ideas around. People who will encourage us when we’re making changes that feel difficult. People who will gently push back when we’re drifting toward old habits. People who understand why we might say no to something, choose not to buy something, or intentionally leave margin on our calendars.

But perhaps most importantly, we need people with whom we simply enjoy doing life.

Because simple living isn't meant to be a solitary pursuit. We aren't trying to create perfectly curated lives where everything is optimized and every decision is intentional. We are trying to create lives with room for what matters most—and relationships are certainly part of that.

Building Our Own Moai

One of my goals with Clutter Free With Stefani is to create a community of like-minded people who are seeking a simpler way of living. We may all be at different points in our journey, but we are generally headed in the same direction. And that means we have something valuable to offer one another.

Maybe you are further along in one area and can be a source of encouragement or inspiration to someone just beginning. At the same time, there may be someone else who is further ahead of you, and you can look to her for wisdom, ideas, and direction. The wisdom of those who have gone before us is invaluable. I love the idea that we don't have to figure this out alone.

A mindset toward simple living often goes against the grain of our culture. We live in a world that constantly tells us we need more—more things, more experiences, more activities, more choices, more productivity. Choosing less can sometimes feel like swimming upstream.

That’s why it matters that those of us who share this desire are connected. We need people who understand the why behind our choices. People who will cheer us on when we choose differently. People who remind us that we aren't missing out simply because we're not doing what everyone else is doing.

Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful things about a moai: we don't simply surround ourselves with people who are like us. We surround ourselves with people who help us become who we want to be.

So as you think about the people you do life with, ask yourself:

• Who is influencing the direction of my life?

• Who encourages me to live according to my values rather than the expectations of the culture around me?

• Who can I encourage, and who can I learn from?

And perhaps most importantly:

• Who do I want beside me as I build this life?

That is worth considering—not because relationships are another thing to organize or optimize, but because the people we surround ourselves with become part of the story we are writing.

And I hope Clutter Free With Stefani can become a small part of that story for you.

If you haven't already signed up for my newsletter, click here and join our community. I don't know exactly where this journey together is headed, but I do have some big ideas and dreams that I would love to share with you—and I don't want you to miss out. If you know someone who might benefit from this community please share this post with them. The freedom found in simple living is a message we should be shouting from the rooftops!

Here's to finding our people, cheering one another on, and creating lives that are simpler, more intentional, and filled with what matters most.

Simply,

Stefani